Another step on life’s path

Song:“Love Runs Out,” OneRepublic
“You ede-it. You mean mommy,” screeched my youngest son as I tried to corral him.
“No, you’re staying with me,” I said, grabbing his arm with we went through the grocery store.
Every day this past week has been a challenge. After the Ogden Newspaper Half Marathon Classic, I’ve been dealing with allergies, which later turned into a cold and is now a sinus infection.
And when I’m sick I just can’t deal with the fighting between siblings, the fact that my house is a mess and I’m too sick to deal with it … just everything.
So I dealt as best I could. I did a few errands, cleaned the best I could and took naps when I could.
Running has been a gift. It has been the only time this week my sinuses have been clear enough to allow me to breath. Then, as soon as I get off the trail or out of the gym, the chaos returns.
The defiant kids, stress from work … it just drags me down. The love was running out.
On June 4, I add another candle to my birthday cake. The number is another year closer to 40 than it is to 30.
When I look back at the previous year, I see more positives than negatives.
I lost 20 pounds and gained it back and then some. But I am losing the weight smarter now. I feel stronger at 188 than I did at 167. I have a year’s worth of exercise and crazy dieting under my belt.
I, for the most part, learned to focus on the good things in my life. I also see more of the good in myself and my family members.
My biggest regret is in respect I feel from others. I’ve worked very hard to be more vocal, less timid, which my mental and physical fitness is linked to. Without exercise, stress caused me problems and I didn’t want to compound the stress by speaking up.
Now when I speak up, I get this “what are you trying to do” vibe. The change is offsetting to some people.
Others ignore it.
As a woman, I’ve often been told that I complain too much, that I nag, while others are told they have great ideas and are productive.
I have also been told that I’m not assertive enough with my kids. In the past, I’ve been overassertive to the point of rebellion.
I have also tried to be nice and it has blown up in my face.
This year, I will find a way to connect with my kids and help them become strong, respectful and happy.
I have been the opposite for most of my life. It sucks, so I intend to try to continue to live my life as I’d want them to live theirs: full of energy, hope and adventure. I want them to look back and be happy with the life they led.
So on my birthday, I’ll run with my workout buddy who called me an ede-it (idiot). Maybe we’ll look at each other and say “I love you” and mean it.
And we’ll both actually believe it.
As usual, there’s a lot weighing on my mind right now. This is one of the many times during the year when I reassess my goals.
I still am aiming to do three pull-ups by my youngest son’s birthday. I want to run with my brother in a race sooner than later. I want certain people to believe in me more than I do, but ultimately I have no control over that.
I have to believe in myself first. It’s been almost 30 year since I felt confidence to “me.” Why did it take this long?

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